Desire Wide Open

Today I was thinking through and praying for some different desires for the upcoming year that have been tugging at my heart. As I was offering them up to the Lord, I found myself a little tentative. I was reminded of Isaiah 55: 8-9 where the Lord tells us that His ways are not often our ways and His thoughts not often our own. As I thought about this, I wondered, why offer my desires at all? Why not just keep them to myself, never owning my desires if they maybe aren’t His for me?

That reminds me of something I heard Tullah muse about recently as I rewatched My Big Fat Greek Wedding: “I wish I had a different life. I wish I was braver and prettier…or just happier. But it’s useless to dream because nothing ever changes.” Of course, just as she offers that thought, the music changes and through the window we see John Corbett (“the Beautiful”). Tullah’s life is about to change beyond her imagination!

Tullah’s heart expressed reminds me of my own struggle to own up to desire in my life…feeling that it’s useless to dream because experience has taught me that when dreams don’t materialize, it hurts. I’m not in a hurting place at this point in my life although there have been some circumstances recently that have been deeply painful. Rather, as a result of the circumstances I find myself dreaming again. It’s the being open to the desire once again that kind of scares me…feels vulnerable and risky. And yet, it feels good.

And so, rather than kill desire for the sake of saving myself from deep pain, I find myself today praying for His eyes to see desire answered rather than cling to my version of it…