The Contessa, the Chianti and a Corkscrew

I am quite the novice when it comes to wine. While I have baked many a dessert incorporating some sort of liqueur, my cooking exploits have not ventured much into those involving wines. So, when the Contessa suggested Chianti for the red wine portion of the sauce the other evening, I deferred to her many years of experience and set out to find something appropriate.

My undertaking was not all that complicated – I just made my way to the red wines section and appraised my options. Someone had told me that the screw top bottles were actually better than the ones with the cork. So, that eliminates some. To make the final decision, I used an old standby method, “When in doubt, which one has the most appealing packaging.” For someone who is slow to make a quick decision in the face of so many, I was proud of myself for such immediate resolution. I made my purchase and went home.

Later, as my friends and I were in the kitchen, enjoying working together to assemble our meal and getting close to putting the ingredients together for our sauce, I brought out the wine. There was much affirmation on my selection of bottle and we were eager to smell the Chianti, each of us amateurs in our wine experiences. I pulled off the label covering the top of the bottle and was met with a cork.

Hmmm. I own no corkscrew.

Now, even if you’re mildly experienced in the kitchen you know that timing is everything in cooking. Seeing as we were very close to the stage where we would be assembling our sauce for the meatballs, we knew we were in a predicament.

Ideas started flying: What about a screw? What about trying to cut it out in pieces with a knife? What if we pushed it down into the bottle?

Ah, we know! The internet! Surely there would be some creative idea there!

Sure enough – long screw, pliers and superhuman strength. (Good thing I’ve been beefing up on my Smallville/Superman knowledge.)

Utensils in hand, we made our first attempt. Hmm. No go.

My brain working fast, I remembered I was a new owner of power tools! Last Christmas I walked away from a Christmas party with my very own cordless screwdriver complete with drill bits and everything! Very proud of ourselves, I put in a dry wall drill bit and started up that baby. My hands, steady as a surgeon, drilled the bit in about ¾ in.

Now for pliers. Hmmm. Apparently I own power tools but no pliers. What would improvise???

I have wire cutters! Two summers ago I rewired my wall outlets and my light switches! Those would work.

One of us with wire cutters in hand while the other two of us braced the bottle, we pulled.

And pulled.

And…snap.

Apparently wire cutters can also cut drill bits.

After the initial shock, and now through tears of hysterical laughter, we scratched our heads.

Maybe our closest liquor store would have, maybe say, a corkscrew?

Meatballs nearly finished browning, time now really was of the essence. One of my friends pulled on her flip flops and flew out the door.

Several minutes later (yeah, that liquor store is surprisingly close to my house), she entered with a free corkscrew. Evidently, they give cheap store ones away! Who knew?

Of course, now our dilemma was getting our corkscrew in around the chopped off drill bit.

We discussed intubating. (We watch them do it every week on House. We’re pretty sure we could do it with our eyes closed.)

We opted for the more risky solution: Ever so slightly, my friend worked the corkscrew trying not to push the drill bit down into the wine.

I pressed a cold compress against her slightly moistened brow.

The corkscrew was in. Again, we pulled with strength that far exceeded our own limits. And once again, the cork removal eluded us.

Smells wafted from the stove. We had to do something fast. Taking the bottle, I placed it solidly between both my feet and pulled like I’ve never pulled before.

Halfway out!

Once again.

With a pop, it was out, drill bit hanging from the bottom of the cork by a mere thread.

It was a close call but our Chianti made a fine recovery.

And just in time for the meatball sauce.