SFM (Single Female Moment)

I originally had no intention of blogging this unsettling meditation. Maybe I’ve recently developed a snag in my internet filter or maybe I’ve just become internet brazen, but I’m posting this despite the little nagging voice on my right shoulder. For those of you who are easily unsettled by female emotions, words like “tears” and “heart” are used. You may want to wait till the post drops out of immediate view. Please consider this fair warning.

Tonight I attended an engagement party for one of my best friends. Before she ever went out on her first date with this guy, I knew that he was the one for her. She's gone out with a number of different guys since I've known her, but this one -- just knew it was her "one."

Around the beginning of the relationship I wrestled with discontent and feelings of being overlooked or gypped by God. Through the struggle and the hurt I asked the Lord to help me genuinely enter into the joy of this new relationship with her. After all, I love my friend and the last thing I wanted was to be the self-centered, whiner friend who has no thought beyond what she is lacking in her own life, you know?

The Lord in His kindness allowed me to do just that. Enter in. Enjoy it with her. Weep with her when it was complicated and hard. Laugh and giggle with her as she recounted silly things he’d say or did. Listen when she needed an ear to offer a perspective outside of herself.

In all honesty it has been fun. It’s been exciting to join up with her in journey. I’m grateful that the Lord crossed our paths at this point in our lives and that we got to do life together for awhile. She in turn has shaped a significant part of my own journey these last four years.

Despite all this, I discovered an untapped piece of my heart on the drive home from the City. As I recalled the night’s festivities, complete with the recounting of the whirlwind storybook proposal weekend in New York City, tears began to spill over. They caught me off guard. I knew they weren’t tears of joy but of pain.

What was the deal? I asked myself. I’m truly happy for her! Have I been mistaken? Have I missed an underlying discontent? Has my heart fooled me into believing I was more okay with all this than I am?

No, my heart wept. My pain is for your change…and the lack of celebration you feel.

Oh, yes. My change. Both my friend and I are stepping into life changes. Her change brings celebration. My change…feels tainted by sadness.

I wish I could say that in discovering all this, my heart immediately took courage and claimed a number of well-seasoned Promises. Not tonight. For tonight, I think I’m fine with just letting my heart rest in the discovery. Afterall, tears may come for the night, but joy comes in the morning...