Melancholy Monday

It’s taken me awhile to actually get myself to sit down and write something today. So, right now I’m just typing…letting the words spill over from some semblance of a stream of consciousness.

It’s not that there isn’t anything to put into words – my Sunday was filled with a number of things that I could pick apart for the comedy, the drama, or the deeply sentimental. But it seems that my thoughts this morning have no theme. They’ve just been thoughts not yet simmering a little beneath the surface, not really near a steady boil. Do you ever have those days? Days when your heart and head are so full of a number of different questions or thoughts? Days when you know if you ask your heart the right questions that you’re not really sure you’re ready to hear the answer?

I blame it some on my return from hibernation. Yes, I’ve made cameos at some of my favorite places to frequent this past week. But as far as emerging from definitive alone time and intentionally entering into the activity of engaging in other people’s lives, it’s been awhile. Life for me these past few months have bordered a little on the insane. I was the detail point person for a regional conference that took place in our city the first week of January. For me, dealing with people within this context kind of forced me to operate at a red-level relational alert for a couple of months now. So, for this past week I pulled away from spending time with people.

And yesterday was the first day out of the hole. As I got ready for church, I realized that I was really nervous. A part of me didn’t want to venture back out into the trenches of relational life. Being an introvert by nature, I was fully aware that there’s such safety in my internal world. This inner life can be so rich at times and it feels risky to have to share it with others, you know? Ironing my blouse for church, I felt a tug of temptation to just avoid the day altogether. I chose to avoid the temptation (and the fact that my singles group was coming to my place after church kind of made it easier!) despite the frantic little voice screaming, "Danger Will Robinson!"

So, nerves and all, I made my way out into the world once again. First church, then hosting lunch at my home for my singles group, some catch up time over coffee at Starbucks with a dear friend, and then finally catching the latest version of Pride & Prejudice with my Starbucks companion. Definitely a full day for the cold turkey brush with community!

But in the midst of all these thoughts this morning, one thing that I’m left with from yesterday is the equally fresh tug of desire for authentic community. As risky as it felt to come out of my internal world yesterday, I tasted it once again. Getting a taste of good community is kind of like eating something salty – it always leaves me wanting more. As nervous as I was initially, I have to say that I walked away from the day feeling charged up in a way that I never experience in seclusion. It was good to be a part of a church body; it felt good to laugh with a group of people who I’m just beginning to get to know; it was good to exchange hearts with a gal who’s love for the lost both inspires me and challenges me; it was good to escape to a world of perfect romance when I feel a shocking lack of it to my own feminine heart…

Ah, there’s the rolling boil…beginning to see the theme now. Yesterday’s journey resonates a theme to my heart that it’s good to know yourself well. But it’s equally blissful to be known…